My Beloved Teacher
Of all the spiritual teachers I have worked with, ayahuasca has been the most powerful, wisest as well as the toughest. Her love for you is so great that she will again and again take you down the rabbit holes and the darkest places inside of you until the lessons are learned and mastered.
This article is based on my personal account of working with this powerful medicine during one of my ceremonies though no two journeys are ever alike even for the same person, so I share it with great respect and humility knowing no words can adequately capture what I experienced. In this time and space dimension, ayahuasca is known to be an entheogenic traditional South American brew that is ingested for healing and spiritual awakening. To me, she is my beloved spiritual teacher and life coach who has taken me to heaven, hell, the universe and beyond to ensure that I remember my true essence.
Cycle of Life
My journey began as I transitioned into the spirit world after thirty minutes or so of drinking the brew. As I relaxed into oblivion where I no longer had control over my body or mind, she took me to a space where I felt the need to be on my knees. At first I thought I had to purge, but as I held onto my bucket and looked inside, it became bottomless and began expanding – within the bucket was the entire universe twirling and expanding.
Slowly, I sank onto all fours on the floor and began breathing feeling fresh air permeating and nourishing every tissue and cell of mine in a way I had never experienced before. With each inhale, my body rose and I was breathing in the entire universe and then some. An infinite amount of oxygen was being taken into my body and I was the blooming flowers, the soaring trees, the roaring animals, the glowing stars and the burning fire. I was life, being birthed and rebirthed. I was breath, the essential component of all life. I was the yang, and I was also colors, light, laughter, love, joy, movement, as well as everything that was alive and vibrant. I was one with everyone and everything and I breathed for all life.
With each exhale, I sank into the earth and disintegrated. I was the decaying of the physical, the violent storms that brought abrupt endings to lives, the waves that claimed homes, the leaves that dissolved into the earth, the earth that washed into the streams, and the water that evaporated into the air. I was the yin, and I was the ashes, the shadow, the night, the slumber, the darkness, the death, the recycling of life as well as the ending of all things. Yet there was nothing frightening about it because with each inhale, I rose, blossomed and awakened, with each exhale, I fell, withered and died; for life is an eternal process and cycle rather than a linear path that has a beginning and end.
After experiencing the cycle of life and oneness of all, I was guided to lie down and know myself as Source/Creation which was one of my intentions. With my eyes open, I saw my arms above my body making the most beautiful and softest swirling movement as if I was weaving while my body rose and fell with the rhythm of life. To my amazement, I began weaving everything and anything that has ever existed – stars, the moon, clouds, seasons, oceans, mountains, earth, lifetimes, musical notes, inventions, thought forms, ideas and inspirations.
I was both male and female, the union of the two as well as the entire universe in ecstatic motion and out of that pure love and joy as I engaged in the dance of creation, I gave birth to all experiences of past, present and future though time does not exist in the dimension of the absolute, and creation is instantaneous. With every thought, or knowing, a reality was instantly created out of sheer ecstasy. But to say I created them would be inaccurate, the feeling was that they were already there and through thought and joy, I merely called them into being.
I danced like I had never danced before, and my only desire was to expand and create – tis the only purpose of life for all of us in this dimension and in all dimensions. We gave birth to ourselves as well as this field so we may exercise the power of conscious creation, and it is through the art of deliberate manifestation that we can call forth anything we desire.
I gradually shifted out of the reality of conscious creation as the vibration of the maloka (ceremony hall) began shifting. A few people were having difficult journeys and there was a lot of screaming and crying. Deep in my trance, I was unable to distinguish whether the suffering was mine or others and the more I focused on it and battled against it, the more it became my own reality. In my head, I tried to tell those people to quiet down but the wailing only grew louder.
Suddenly, the screams that were outside of me became screams that were inside of my own head as I became frightened and aware of all the agony that was in the world and in myself. Even when I opened my eyes, I could only see the endless darkness and torment around me which made me sink deeper into my own despair and terror. It seemed like lifetimes ago when I was weaving the universe out of my hands, and now I was thrown into the deepest pit of hell flooded by fears and doubts. My mind was bombarded with all the negativity in the world that rendered me hopeless and helpless. I had no identity or voice even though on the inside, I cried and cried for help, but no help came. It was hell in the truest sense, yet it was not an actual place but a state of mind full of fear and disempowering beliefs. I wanted to make myself fall asleep but I was unable to.
An eternity seemed to have passed and I slowly began realizing I was trapped in hell forever having lost everything including my sanity, but from time to time, I had enough consciousness to remember vaguely I was someone named Juliet in one of the realities though I could not anchor myself in that reality, or find any strength left in me to bring myself back.
During those semi-conscious moments, I would experience random memories of myself with my sweetheart walking by the beach, or being mesmerized by a luminescent sunset, or feeling a belly-deep laughter when I was a child surrounded by childhood friends I had long forgotten. All memories from this life and all lives flashed before my eyes and I’d once in a while have a thought that I would never be able to do any of those things again which fueled the gut-wrenching despair and sadness I felt. I was also shown that every memory I had ever held onto whether out of love or anger belonged in a dream and no reality was real, not even the one I desperately wanted to wake up to.
At a certain point, I understood death was waiting for me to accept her. Still immobilized, I slowly said farewell to everyone I could remember and I even felt I stopped breathing many times, yet my body would react and make me gasp for air and bring me back. I must have died and come back to life thousands of times only to find myself still trapped in hell.
I desperately searched my mind for answers during the semi-conscious moments. I told myself I dedicated my life to the studies of spirituality, and I must know something that could help me get out of this. Without knowing what I was doing or how I was to achieve it, I decided I had to wake up from this dream and I repeated to myself and the entire room again and again in the most unconvincing way, “It’s ok. You just have to wake up and remember you are eternal divine love.”
With each murmur, both my body and voice grew stronger and a little more consciousness returned. I began to remember my life-long mission of waking myself up from the dream state and assisting others with their awakening. Suddenly a voice inside of me told me to trust my own strength, get on my feet and begin walking because rather than waiting to be rescued, I had to save myself and I had to wake myself up. With much difficulty, I struggled to take baby steps and with each step, I became more and more “awake” until fragments of who I am returned bit by bit. It was only 1 am, 4 hours after I drank the medicine and the sky was pitch dark, but I may as well have gone through a million lifetimes in that state. As I sat by the fire outside of the maloka under the blinking stars, I realized I just woke up from a dream in a dream.
Some fear the experience of ayahuasca because more often than not, she takes us to a dark place but one of the most important lessons she’s taught me is that there is no darkness, or anything outside of ourselves because everything we believe is external is actually a projection of our own consciousness. If we experience anger, agony, torment and hell, it is because it already exists in our minds and it has not been integrated into our being due to resistance.
What ayahuasca does is it opens a portal within ourselves for us to bypass our conscious mind and its usual defense mechanisms so we can experience, process and integrate all those pieces we have kept in the shadow. In that sense, she provides us with intensified life lessons in a simulated training ground (that feels as real as it can get) all condensed into 4-8 hours for us to begin realigning.
1. We are the Creator existing in a quantum field in an infinite number of versions. Creator is not a noun, it is a verb. It is the process of alchemizing thought into form, energy into matter, and it is the process of life itself. All manifestations start with an idea/inspiration/decision/knowing.
2. All versions of realities exist simultaneously. We shift from one to another based on our current vibration on a moment-to-moment basis, and our current vibration is determined by our thoughts and emotions that are filtered by those thoughts.
3. Creation is effortless when we are not in our own way.
4. We are all manifestations of Source, hence we are One. We are all of it and we are here to experience all of it: the male and the female, the yang and the yin, the light and the dark, the joy and the agony, the love and the pain, the laughter and the tears, the healing and the scars, as well as the peace and the discord. We can easily birth life as we can birth death. Everything is a part of this process and an expression of Creation.
5. We do have the power to choose a preferred reality at any time. First we need to get clear on what we truly desire, and we learn what we truly desire through experiencing contrast, or the absence of what we desire. The duality in life provides us with that contrast and the darkness in life is not a punishment but an opportunity for us to wake up to our true essence so we can tap into our own power of conscious creation.
6. Time does not exist. There is only one eternal moment of Now where all realities, past, present and future exist simultaneously.
7. We cannot die. We only change form because we are Universal Consciousness that is formless, infinite, eternal and always evolving. The only constant in life is change.
8. It is ok to be afraid, just allow it. But remember, we are far more powerful than our fears.
9. What we focus on becomes our reality and what we pay attention to grows and multiplies in our lives. We are all connected because we are energy, and others’ realities can easily become our own if we are not centered in our own vibration. While we are here to walk each other home with unconditional love and compassion, we are neither responsible for others’ realities and journeys, nor are we here to force our own beliefs onto others so they can change. Wherever we are in our journeys is the perfect place for us to be.
10. All thoughts and beliefs are energy and are contagious. Everything is energy.
11. Hell is a state of mind created by fears and thoughts that do not align with our True Self. Likewise, thoughts that are in alignment create heaven on earth.
12. We can neither change what is outside of us, nor can we silence the cries in the world. The only thing we have power over is our own thoughts and how we choose to perceive, and experience our realities, and that is done through inner work. What we see is what we project, and what we project is based on what we believe to be true.
13. Our only purpose here is to expand and create; though we all have chosen different missions and we have brought our unique gifts and talents to fulfill those missions.
14. We are divine love; it is not an emotion but a state of being. Everything else is an illusion that provides us with a contextualized field so we may remember ourselves as divine love/Creation.
15. In order to live a life of unlimited freedom and conscious creation, the ego needs to go through some type of death and rebirth so it can surrender its need to control, and release its past, stories, roles, identity and any existing programming. Some refer to this as spiritual awakening – aka awakening to our True Self, the part of us that is an extension of Source Energy. To see through the illusions and have access to the infinite wisdom of the True Self, we must first wake up from the dream.
For part II of the ayahuasca experience, please read What Death in Ayahuasca Teaches About Life – 7 Ways to Live a More Fulfilling and Joyous Life