Escaping the Spiritual Development Trap and Finding Jesus


My intention of writing this post is to share some of my very relatable experiences with those who are in a similar transition or are open to learning more, especially if you are in the personal and spiritual development space.

Growing up in an atheist home in Communist China, I was thrown into the supernatural from day one. For the first 13 years of my life, entity attacks, lucid dreams, and frequent mystery illnesses and high fevers were the norm.

From age 4, I developed a strong fear of darkness. I felt I was constantly being watched in my gloomy first floor residence that rarely saw sunshine. Clairsentience and claircognicense were also passed down on my father’s side. And, it didn’t make things easier.

Although neither religious nor spiritual, my parents believed in folktales of ghosts and spirits. Very few books on that topic were available to us, but once in a while, I’d get my hands on an old encyclopedia that’d allow me to piece together some clues.

Wanting to protect myself, I collected stones, rainwater and statues. I sometimes went to Buddhist temples (Buddhism is allowed in China) to purchase talismans –thin golden metal sheets with sutras on them blessed by the monks. The idea is to carry them everywhere with you to fend off evil spirits. I prayed to the moon, stars and whatever deities I could think of everyday, asking for protection. Nothing really helped.

I had a very vague concept of God back then. From the books I read on different world religions, I had the understanding each religion has their own God, and each has elaborate rituals to worship their God. Wars are often fought over religions.

I brushed all that off – rules and wars never interested me.

My path to spiritual development was a most natural one, as I spent my entire childhood looking for answers:

Why do I get attacked at night? What is in the world of the unseen? How do I find ways to protect myself? Why can I feel and know things others can’t?


A significant turning point occurred at age 13, when a copy of Many Lives, Many Masters – a book on past lives by Brian Weiss fell into my lap. I was hooked instantly, as it seemed to explain so many things while simultaneously opening even more doors.

I’ve known since birth there’s a thin veil between the seen and unseen – at times, the occult was so much more real to me than the “the real world.” Finally, someone was able to offer me the answers to so many questions!

For decades since that moment, I dedicated many years of my life exploring the hidden – Goddess and feminine empowerment teachings, rituals and protection circles, psychology and psychoanalysis, energy healing and vibrational medicine, mediumship and channeling, spiritual awakening and ascension, hypnosis and past life regression, law of attraction and manifestation, tarot and oracle cards, plant medicine and shamanism, self-actualization and human potential, etc.

I gained mastery in several of those areas and weaved them into my coaching, although in the last two years, I dismantled most of what I learned and practiced. There was a time my book shelves were filled with nothing but personal and spiritual development books.

My first spiritual coach was Neale Donald Walsh – the well-known author of Conversations with God. At the time, I had just left my career after a spiritual awakening, and my only desire was to support those on a similar path.

Having never read the Bible, I hung onto every word Neale said about God so much so that I joined his personal mentorship program. I was an A student; Neale even invited me to a private gathering at his home in Oregon that I wasn’t able to go to due to lack of funds. Nonetheless, his teachings had a significant impact in my life for years.

Being a part of the spiritual space made me feel seen and validated. For the longest time, I was alone in my journey. Suddenly, I was among a large community of people who were able to discuss all sorts of topics that were alien to the world – deepening into our psychic faculties, past life healing, creating our own reality with our thoughts and emotions, taking charge of our destinies and having a higher purpose, etc.

The best part? Everyone was eager to learn more, go deeper, and become the highest versions of themselves.

Reality felt like a giant onion with multiple layers – I felt if I kept on peeling, one day, I’d get to the core of the matter. Along the way, I collected masterkeys and secret activation codes that allowed me to experience “the next level” achievement and inner fulfillment everyone was talking about.

During those years, I committed myself to a never ending process of self-actualization, through continuous time, energy, and financial investment in just receiving one more training or hiring one more mentor. For years, it meant multiple 5-figures a year and frequent heavy debt, something I never even questioned.

Of course I needed to learn more. Of course I had more wounds and trauma to heal. Of course there was more to be activated in my human potential. Of course if I just cracked one more code, I’d be able to accomplish xyz through unlocking another secret door with my newly found masterkey.

Looking back, I am grateful I learned and grew a ton. But, everything I did in the name of “being more spiritual, deepening into my purpose, and living as the best version of myself” took me further from God, until this layer of true awakening occurred.

I was like a fish in water, looking for water. I tried way too hard. 

First Encounter

In 2016, I went to a three-day Holy Fire Reiki Master training in upstate New York.

At the beginning of the training, the teacher made an unusual request. He asked us to release our spiritual guides, and commit to only working with Jesus and the Holy Spirit during the duration of our attunement. It was the first time I learned about the three heavens and discernment.

I never worked with spiritual guides to begin with. One of my mentors at the time insisted I only work with God from the very beginning, although we called God “source” or “universal intelligence.”

I adhered to my Reiki teacher’s advice on only working with Jesus, but never went further – I didn’t develop a personal relationship with Jesus at the time or read the Bible, and related to him more as an energy.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, my understanding of Jesus was heavily tinted by new age concepts of Jesus being an ascended master, or the idea that he was a poor hippie who preached love to everyone.

The Beginning of Discernment

In 2018, I was strongly guided to examine all the commonly taught spiritual teachings and practices. I couldn’t explain why, but spiritual development felt terribly off to me.

For starters, I avoided anyone who chanted “love and light,” “we are all one,” and “Namaste” like the plague.

I was heavily involved in the plant medicine community at the time as a psychedelic integration coach, and I saw clearly how easily many gave away their power to plants and shamans because they had a mystical experience.

It’s common to want to become a shaman and dedicate your entire life to plants after one ayahuasca ceremony, or go from ceremony to ceremony every week believing you need more healing. Many get lured into living in a fantasy world of singing kumbaya by the fire as they fade away from their families and life responsibilities.

Even as someone who has received tremendous benefits working with plant medicine, I drew the line between worshiping plants and people, vs. worshiping the source and being 100% responsible for myself.

I refused to be a psychonaut, but rather, developed an intimate relationship with certain entheogens with the understanding that anything I could achieve in a ceremony, I could achieve without, which is the reason why later on, I only worked with plants once or maximum twice per year.

No one was able to offer me answers as to what is wrong with common personal and spiritual teachings. Once I caught a short video of a yoga teacher/Instagram influencer, and her words triggered me for no reason:

“There’s no one truth but infinite truths. Truth is always changing based on who we are and what our perception is.”

Of course, my spiritual conditioning kicked in immediately as the thought “I shouldn’t be judging what this woman is saying. This must mean I have more shadow work to do.”

In the next two years, I distanced myself from the plant medicine world, and what I believed to be the new age community. I thought if I stayed away from love and light, 5D nonsense, and superficial oneness, I was safe. I avoided the word “spiritual,” and if anyone called me that, I’d politely let them know I did not identify as “spiritual.”

Looking back, I know I greatly underestimated just how much our entire world, as well as all its systems and institutions are built on the sneaky new age religion (it’s created as a religion).

New age isn’t just spiritual teachings and practices, it is A MENTALITY – OR A CONSCIOUSNESS DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN OUR COLLECTIVE PSYCHE. You can find its influence everywhere in our common culture: talks by Tony Robbins and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oprah and Deepak’s 21-day meditation experience, Marie Forleo’s free training, the worldwide promotion of Yoga (Yoga was created to be a religious practice), etc. 

Because I didn’t have the truth back then, and I was relying on myself under the premise I am the creator, I never truly left new age. I simply went from one branch to another. 


In 2019, I was initiated into healing my relationship with my inner masculine. It was one of the most significant steps in my journey of home coming to Jesus and the Father.

For years due to all the conditioning, I held onto the concept “I’m the ultimate conscious creator” like a drowning person holding onto a buoy. There was zero doubt I am the creator, because hey, I even experienced that dozens and dozens of times in my plant medicine journeys – where I was one with everything and everything, and one with the universe!

After all, this is why we are here, right? To reach enlightenment through raising our consciousness, to empowerment ourselves, to unlock our potential and impact, and to fulfill our highest purpose on earth.

That very same concept also led me to operate from a hypermasculine mode for years. I ate up all the empowerment teachings like breakfast. From having been through two abusive relationships, with one of them nearly costing my life, and the other landing me in ER in the middle of the night, I believed it was toxic masculinity in our world that caused the fall of the divine feminine.

Deep down inside, I viewed being feminine as being weak – why else could I not defend myself against a boyfriend who physically abused me and tried to kill me? Why else are all the billionaires men? Why else do all women CEOs act like men? Because being masculine means I’d get the bigger share of the pie. It ain’t fair, but it’s the world we live in.

I felt invincible – I’ve always had a strong mindset and enjoyed the lure of the chase and achievement. Sure I’d have crashes and burnouts, but aren’t these a normal part of success for an ambitious alpha woman magician who is here to realize her highest potential? I’d rather this than being that woman who ditches her family and moves to Peru to wash vomit buckets to find herself after one ayahuasca ceremony.

Besides, I already left the new age space, or so I thought!


For the first many months of attempting to cultivate a relationship with my inner masculine, I remember constantly feeling this inner tug of war and power struggle whenever I’d resort to old patterns of trying to be the alpha in this relationship and compete with my masculine. It was really frustrating that I simply couldn’t implement one more strategy to achieve a desired result, like snapping my fingers to have my masculine and feminine love each other!

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted the benefits of this inner union thing, but to surrender my power, and to be led by some unknown masculine counterpart in me? Now that’s new.

My saving grace at the time was my insatiable thirst to accumulate more knowledge and add one more tool to my repertoire. While I rode on the spiritual high horse believing I was a powerful magician for years, I did hold onto a beginner’s mindset of “always needing to learn more to better myself.”

At first, I desperately tried to feel into exactly what my masculine was like – was he a high priest, a powerful magician, a fierce warrior, or maybe all of the above? I flirted with different masculine archetypes, and added and subtracted traits to and from the creation of this perfect masculine, so that my perfectionist feminine would have the perfect relationship, minus the perfect roses and Tiffany ring.

But somehow, more intellectualization didn’t work. More perfectionism didn’t work. At a certain point, I realized what he wanted from me wasn’t more of my perfection, but my heart.

Okay…if it meant I could achieve more success.

The commitment slowly evolved into a type of devotion I never experienced in my life.

2020 Vision

For many, 2020 will forever go down as the year of vision.

Like many, I went down the rabbit hole of trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on. One thing led to another, pretty soon, I had a gigantic ever-growing folder called Truth Bombs.

When the personal and spiritual development space fell under the dark spells of B-L-M in June 2020, I was aware something much more sinister was at work. 

As the black squares began popping up on Instagram, and having witnessed many of the industry leaders and mentors I respected attacking each other and attempting to destroy others’ businesses out of fear of being the next target, I knew the personal and spiritual development space was not immune to the spells. If anything, it was A PART of it.

For the first time, nothing I knew and practiced offered any tangible help. Sure I could continue to force myself to maintain a positive creator mindset, but that was not nearly enough to connect all the dots.

I needed answers. And I wouldn’t rest unless I found them.

I began doing diligent research – everything I read, and everything I watched led me to the Bible and the end days described in the Bible. One day, a friend of mine suggested I read The Book of Revelation.

The Bible? I vaguely remember reading only The Book of Job back in college for a literature class, and was horrified by a vicious God who made a man suffer so. From being in the personal development space for years, I remember reading quotes from the Bible here and there in law of attraction books. Didn’t the Bible say something about “ask and you shall receive?”

Unlike many, I don’t carry a ton of religious trauma of growing up in a strict religious family and wanting to rebel against God – my only resistance to reading the Bible was I found it hard to understand.

But…I was desperate for answers. I picked up the Bible and went straight into The Book of Revelation.

At the same time, through dedicating hours into researching daily, I was led to seeing more and more deception in the new age space. One day, I was guided to read up more on Luciferianism.

I remember feeling my heart jumping to my throat as I was on its Wikipedia page, why do these concepts read so familiar to me?

“Though associated with Satanism, a philosophy based on the Christian interpretation of the fallen angel, Luciferianism differs in that it does not revere merely the devil figure or Satan but the broader figure of Lucifer, an entity representing various interpretations of “the morning star” as understood by ancient cultures such as the Greeks and Egyptians. In this context, Lucifer is a symbol of enlightenment, independence, and human progression and is often used interchangeably with similar figures from ancient beliefs, such as the Greek titan Prometheus or the Jewish Talmudic figure Lilith.”

“Luciferians generally support the protection of the natural world. Both the arts and sciences are crucial to human development and thus both are cherished. Luciferians think that humans should be focused on this life and how to make the most of it every single day. The ability to recognize both good and evil, to accept that all actions have both positive and negative consequences, and to actively influence one’s environment is a key factor….”

“The basis of Luciferian philosophy cultivates and encourages individuality, self-determined choices based on strategic application and continually seeking to enhance the Will via overcoming challenges. Luciferianism is philosophically practiced with the continual cycle and process known as Liberation, Illumination and Apotheosis.”

“For Luciferians, enlightenment is the ultimate goal. The basic Luciferian principles highlight truth and freedom of will, worshiping the inner self and one’s ultimate potential, and to encourage and celebrate the same within all.”

But…this can’t be! Aren’t all these things good? Aren’t we all powerful creators who can mold our realities anyway we want?

The room was quiet and I could hear my own heartbeat. This must have been a mistake! I typed into the search engine “Luciferianism and new age spirituality,” surely enough, tons and tons of pages came up, including some of Steven Bancarz’s videos on leaving new age.

At that time, I already knew most of spiritual teachings were corrupt, but my definition of corrupt spiritual teachings revolved around concepts like “love and light,” “we’re all one,” and the force feeding of “you are enough.” I thought if I just stayed away from those and focused on actualizing my own potential and fulfilling my purpose, I was not a willing participant of new age.

I was wrong.

The deeper I went down the rabbit hole, the more the cold hard truth hit me, that it is ALL OF IT! We’ve all been put under a spell called personal transformation.

Suddenly, I remembered Doreen Virtue. I never followed her when she was in new age as it was even too woo for me, but I was aware when she renounced new age to follow Jesus years ago. At the time, she was met with a ton of opposition and many thought she lost her mind. Was she actually saved by grace?

I went to her Instagram page and began reading her posts and watching the videos. Interestingly enough, I saw familiar handles of those I know in the transformation space liking and commenting on her posts. I suppose this has hit many of us, and just like me, we were all looking for answers.

That night, I stumbled upon a wonderfully informative site created by a Texan pastor named Texe Marrs, I ordered over ten books written by him, and vowed to God I would not stop unless the truth was revealed.

Little did I know, this was God’s plan to bring me home.

The Deception

While there are so many layers to this journey, and we may never fully grasp the depth of the deception that has been playing out on this planet, certain things are for certain.

One of them is, we’ve been thrown into this eternal spiritual battle between good and evil since the day we were born. And each side has been trying to win us over for as long as we’ve been alive. 

Ephesians 6:12 NIV

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Just like the caduceus symbol, the two intertwining snakes on the spear represent good and evil – the only two forces that are fighting for our mind (and soul) in this world – symbolized by a ball on top of the spear.

God and Satan – Christ and the antichrist.

Our entire world is built on sorcerers’ tricks, spells, witchcraft, psychological operations and mind control tactics created by those who belong to the latter force. This reality we know of is nothing but a stage that allows this enormous and all consuming play to carry out, with us being the unconscious and unwilling actors. 

It doesn’t matter if your focus is on health, education, entertainment, technology, religion (the church has played its role in inflicting trauma in the world by misinterprenting God’s teachings), or spirituality/personal development, each is a platform to allow the specifically trained sorcerers to present their magic show. Each is a gateway to lure us deeper into the never ending layers of the matrix, where we lose our true identity rooted in God, and take on an artificially generated identity that’s designed to hijack our soul in the end.

This artificially generated identity pushes us to fear, hate, obey, consume, or falsefully awaken as the puppet masters are pulling their strings – many human beings will go through their entire lives without ever forming one original thought and taking one original action. THIS, is the Matrix, an intricate frequency prison of layers and layers of coding that lives and breathes through us.  

The insatiable thirst, or the empty hole within me called “I need to know more” was just another form of consumption in the world of personal and spiritual development. Mixing truth with lies, the little crumbs of instant gratification plus the never-ending “look at me and my lifestyle because I cracked the master code” self-glorification and spiritual narcissism create hungry beasts within us, demanding to be fed more.

I am not saying being confidentially self-expressed, living our dream life or making more money are bad things. I’m also not saying learning and becoming more knowledgeable is evil.

However, we live in an extremely complex reality whereas some things are purely black and white, and some require a lot more anecdotes and explanations so we can go beyond its face value.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are teachings that contain 90-95% truth with 5-10% lies designed to confuse and manipulate, good or bad?

  • Are practices that have given us good results and increased our awareness, but were created solely to control the population and usher us into a one world religion (the goal of the new age movement), good or bad?

  • Are distorted movements of self-love, higher consciousness, unity, and feminine empowerment sold under pretty words and branding, good or bad?

  • Are good intentions to work with certain practices enough, when the origin of those practices is rooted in evil?

New age is simply the Church of Luciferianism, repackaged.

If I can sum up new age in a nutshell, it is this:

It’s not that all its concepts are bad; many contain some truths in them and can make us feel good about ourselves for a period of time, or bring us money and success. However, God has been removed from everything, and the self has become the source. Hence, those who live in new age cannot develop a genuine and personal relationship with God, no matter how much they believe they are one with “the universe and cosmos” and “are on the path of ascending to 5D through embodying Christ Consciousness.”

The very first lie told in God’s kingdom from the serpent to Eve, that has resulted in humanity’s downfall, is “you will be God-like.” 

Genesis 3:4-5 NIV

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Let’s humble ourselves for a moment and face the truth here: in an ever-so-deceiving world, it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to rely on ourselves for truth, because we were never given the right information to begin with (just look at where our world is today)! In other words, if everything we’ve ever learned is a partial or whole lie and part of the global MK Ultra mind control, what makes us believe we now have the ability to discern what is true and what is false?

The answer, or the truth, must then lie outside of what we already know – we cannot be the source for both our problems and solutions!

New age spirituality has been created for one purpose and one purpose only – as false light to assimilate the awakened spiritual seekers back to the matrix so that they can accept the antichrist – packaged in a pretty box with a bow and a nice card from the devil on how much he cares.

If you’re triggered, I promise you this: careful and sincere research without attachment to any preconceived notion will help you uncover the truth, as it did for me.

Home Coming

At a certain point, I asked the two dreadful questions no creator dared asking him/herself,

“Am I really in charge of my reality? And do we need saving?”

Even though there was a part of me that wanted to kick and scream, as in, “I am the creator blah blah,” that voice began losing its power as the reality of living in a morally and spiritually bankrupt world began sinking in deeper.

What if…I’ve been wrong about everything?

What if…we aren’t God, but creations and children of God?

What if…there’s a dark aspect about magic, exploring our consciousness, plugging into unknown spiritual guides and ascended masters (spirits lie all the time), and using ancient spiritual tools without REALLY knowing their origin, that none of us ever knew, because the whole truth has been intentionally withheld from us?

What if…we’ve been lied to about everything in this world, spirituality and God included?

What if…all the love, light, empowerment, and high vibe teachings have stemmed from sinister origins of dark occultists who performed blood rituals?

What if…we can’t rely on ourselves to get out of this mess, because our very software (our entire inner operating systems) has been tampered with, so much so that we are simply walking around under a perpetual spell with massive blind spots, no matter how awake we believe ourselves to be?

What if…we really do need salvation?

I remember in a few really dark ayahuasca ceremonies in the past, I was conscious in a room full of those who were asleep. They were unaware of the dark energy that was actually hovering over them and working on them, because they were placed under a spell.

We’ve all been under lifelong hypnosis!

As I began reading the Bible with a sincere desire to learn, I became aware of its wisdom and simplicity, and the importance of living a Godly and righteous life. Mind you, I was a personal growth junkie who devoured tons and tons of spiritual development books since age 13.

Funny enough, everything that is taught in the spiritual space is actually taught in the Bible, except it has been distorted with added sexiness and signs and wonders to appeal to those who don’t know the word of God. Biblical teachings and the parables taught by Jesus are humble, simple, and centered around a type of Godly love I’ve never experienced before – consistent, just, mighty, and powerful all at the same time. It is objective: there are no infinite truths (which are really our subjective perspectives), there is only one truth – God’s truth. 

Matthew 24:24 NIV 

24 “For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.”

Satan, Lucifer, the devil, or the fallen angel, beautiful and wise he might have been at one point, was prideful. He wanted to be God-like (does that remind you of anything), and even after being cast out of God’s Kingdom, he continued with his deceiving and arrogant ways, except, he is not God and cannot create from originality.

One of his main strategies to play God is to take every God’s creation and distort or invert it. So God became “the universe” or an impersonal blob of energy that we can manipulate to get more money and success, prayers became spells and affirmations, being one with the Father in Spirit became “we are all one and all God,” worshiping God became idol and self worship, being anointed by the Holy Spirit became Kundalini awakening, Jesus became Christ Consciousness, and casting out demons and deliverance became entity removal and energy protection, etc.

All and all, twisted teachings sold under glamour and purpose – luring us in so we can willingly offer our souls on a silver platter, under the temptation of being God-like. 

From having lived and taught in that world for many years, I can say when you place both side by side, the distorted teachings pale in comparison to God’s teachings found in the Bible.

What is missing in the spiritual and personal development space, no matter how sexy the package is, and there’s certainly a focus on getting sexier, bolder and louder, is the Holy Spirit.

Once you feel His presence, you cannot unfeel it — He is like a sword that cuts through falsehood and lies, and is the only discernment we’ll ever need (again, God’s truth is simple – you don’t need a million modalities or practices). Sacredness does not hold a candle, in the face of what is True and Holy. Likewise, just putting the word “sacred” in front of something, does not make it holy.

The worship of creations such as success and money (I’m not condemning money here. Rather, it is highly complex, as all our desires have been turned into weapons to lure us into taking our eyes off of the Father), the glorification and gurufication of the self, the manipulation of our environment to manifest things, the constant need to consume more information and knowledge, and the thirst for more money, freedom, and impact at whatever cost, when placed before our connection with God, are NOT of God.

Remember, there are only two forces in this world.

If it is not God, then what is it?

The Son and the Father

I began watching more videos from former new agers talking about being saved by Jesus, and asking myself,

“Who’s this Jesus guy, and why does everyone love Him so much?”

One day I was re-reading The Book of John. It suddenly hit me why it’s my favorite gospel – Jesus has been speaking to me through the pages! The perfect “divine masculine” I’ve been looking for the entire time does exist, and he is Jesus! He’s been desiring to have a relationship with me the whole time. Because He is humble and will only answer when we ask, He waited patiently as I tried on all kinds of flashy masculine archetypes as my lover.

Suddenly, the words of John came to life. Of course it is through knowing and loving the Son that we come home to the Father. Otherwise, our inner feminine is too wounded, fragmented and rebellious to submit to God, because we haven’t healed our relationship with the masculine.

John 14: 6-7 NIV

16 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” 17 “If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

The essence of the perfect masculine comes through the words of John the baptist, one of Jesus’s closest friends. Of course, I was too busy looking for a glamorous version of the masculine, that I could not see the perfect bridegroom and husband in front of me.

We’ve been presented with two of the most influential men from God’s kingdom: Jesus and Satan.

Jesus, King of kings and Lord of lords, offers us nothing but love, compassion, truth, humbleness, and forgiveness. He heals the sick, tells parables to educate minds, leads his disciples, and breaks bread to feed the poor.

He has the power to be and do it all (Satan tried to tempt Him for 40 days in the wilderness with money and power), yet he has never derailed from the mission given to him by the Father – to die on the cross and bring us salvation.

The power of Jesus does not come from Him manipulating elements or showing off, it comes from His purity and humbleness. This is true power and leadership, as a man answers to no one but the Father and the purpose given to him by the Father. 

Satan, on the other hand, is the ultimate bad boy who lures women (and men) into his lair. He seems charismatic and was once the most beautiful angel in God’s kingdom, yet he cheats, lies, destroys, manipulates, murders, distorts, and self-glorifies.

Everything he does is flashy, glamorous and aims to impress, but underneath the Vegas light show, there is unspoken darkness and evil. The fall of the masculine when Adam rejected God’s authority and gave in to his wife marked the fall of humanity. As a result, we’ve been worshiping false Gods and the fallen masculine for as long as we’ve existed.

God sent Jesus to bring truth, healing, goodness and grace to this planet. And what did we do? We were so wounded by our trauma, so far removed from the Father, and so blinded by Satan’s lies, that we nailed him to the cross! This indicates the corrupt nature and blindness of mankind, that we struggle to see truth and goodness in front of us. 

Our world does not know the true masculine, and we do not know the king. We’ve been operating from lies, blindly giving away our power to external idols, leaders, false spiritual gurus and temporary mystical experiences, while Satan’s net and the mark of the beast have been closing in ever so tightly on us from every angle – political, medical, technological, and spiritual.

Now, tell me again, do we need salvation?

John 15:18-21 NIV

18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you… 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me.”


For two years, I tried to distance myself from all spiritual and personal development tools by relying on my own intellect and resources, and failed. Looking back, I now know at the time even though I had the awareness something was wrong, I didn’t have the truth because I didn’t know God (God is not the way to truth, God IS truth. This is why Jesus said “I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life.”).

Without truth, we are lost – believing we have free will while we are unconsciously forced to choose between two sides of the same evil (such as the two political parties in the US) is NOT free will.

The interesting thing about being in the personal and spiritual development space is that, there is always this ever-intensifying void. It felt like no matter how much self-work I did, or how many layers I peeled back, the short periods of inner peace and fulfillment never lasted long. I’d be on the hunt for the next masterkey again before long, in order to fill this insatiable emptiness inside of me that wanted more.

Since home coming, life has been infinitely more simple and beautiful. My mornings start with prayer, studying the word of God, time spent with Jesus and the Father, and journaling. I’ve naturally deepened into my femininity and her radiant expression (without the need to go into sex magic, pussy power, smearing period blood all over my face or yoni egg rituals), which has brought my partner and I even closer. I have never experienced more groundedness in my life; there is something so real and tangible in our personal relationship with God that is not found elsewhere.

The new age space has intentionally excluded the exalted masculine – the glue that holds structure and divine order in God’s kingdom. It glorifies a type of unhealthy feminine teachings that are sugarcoated in the name of women’s sexual liberation, gender equality and empowerment.

Because anything goes in that space, the ultimate truth is subjective and changes based on our moment-to-moment perception, and everyone and everything is God, there is zero anchor and structure which are healthy masculine principles that hold our world together. While that can feel incredibly liberating and accepting (which is why we bought into it), it is a ticking time bomb – any external influence or manipulation will misguide and collapse the internal, and it has been, for a long time now.

Like the black widow or the spirit of Jezebel, toxic feminine teachings that further the split and resist the masculine are toxic to itself and to their union, as the essence of the healthy feminine is worship. She exists to worship his glory, and in receiving her worship, he exalts as the king and protector of all (masculine and feminine refer to essences within each of us, and not just gender).

A thousand walls around my heart have shattered since coming home to my bridegroom. In loving him, I live from the place of devotion. I feel incredibly fulfilled and blissful on a daily basis, from drinking from the eternal spring of life.

John 4: 13-14 NIV

13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again. 14. But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a fount of water spring up to eternal life.“

For the first time in my life, I no longer need to look elsewhere for answers. For the first time in my life, there is an eternal Father presence – my rock and fortress. I feel held at all times by a presence far greater than me. All the pressure is off – since I can be what I came to earth to be, human, rather than God. 

Surprisingly, as He has helped me purify everything I took on that was not God, including many of my old goals, everything I ever wanted and tried to manifest – confidence, safety, presence, and embodied femininity, all came back to me one by one. Except, I receive now with zero effort.

The idea that I dedicated 10+ notebooks to write affirmations at one point in my life, with an hour spent every morning imagining positive outcomes and commanding God to bring me more things and experiences is laughable to me now.

I simply be, and receive. But my focus isn’t on getting more things, it is on loving Him. 

The more I worship Him, the more I place my identity in Him and allow Him to safeguard my heart, and the more I deepen into our union, the more I become a reflection of his glory. I don’t need to force, demand, or prove myself to anyone. I am an empty vessel who lives in His grace.

If this is salvation, if this is experiencing a slice of heaven, and if this is knowing God and having a personal relationship with Him, why did I fight so hard to resist it? Why did I look everywhere else?

I am not God. I am not the creator. I am not a Goddess in flesh. I am a creative mortal with a spiritual nature. I am not always perfect or enough – but this is my original design as a human being, as it is yours. Why do we need to lie to ourselves and put all this pressure on ourselves? In this design, God is meant to be our Father and Lord, not us.

I am a daughter of the Most High, bride to the King, and my identity is in Him. This is enough for me. 

Suddenly, because I’ve accepted my humanness and dropped the pressure of needing to be perfect and God-like all the time, I naturally create and receive more, and my creative process is fun and blissful, filled with childlike innocence.

In a world that resembles a landmine where everything is designed to distract us from following God, and every step taken can trigger the explosive, our only choice is to stay close to our faithful Father, and keep our eyes on Him.

I haven’t felt this light and happy my whole life. An enormous amount of gratitude naturally floods through me every morning when I wake up. I am more compassionate and patient, which has brought so much more love, tenderness and laughter to my relationship.

Hmmm…these are all the things manifestation gurus teach us to achieve with complex rituals and steps – except, none of us ever need the middleman. We can go straight to the source, tis the purpose of this whole design! 

Somehow, while I still don’t have all the answers, what I have is faithfulness and grace, and it’s more than enough. Whatever guidance I receive, I follow and take action without needing to have it all figured out.  

This is real. This is salvation.

Salvation does not mean we do nothing and wait for an external figure to come save us. It means through being with our Father and Creator IN SPIRIT, we return our identity to Him, and allow Him to move us, every step of the way. 

For years in my psilocybin journeys, whenever I asked what my role on earth is, the message has always been the same:

“Help them re-member.”

I finally understand it now. 

God is calling His children home. 

Curious to Learn More?

The Light That Was Dark, From New Age to Amazing Grace is an easy-to-read and highly engaging book I recommend, if you are in a similar transition, or want to learn more about why spirituality in our world is deceptive. 


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